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It's Metafilter's 20th anniversary!

To celebrate, scan some cats or help fund Mefi! How do queer adults have healthy married bi want adult friendship June 25, 9: I'm married, bi, and my partner has no problem with me exploring these feelings. But I do, because I don't have an understanding of healthy relationships outside of the patriarchal hetero nuclear family.

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Please explain to me like I was 17 how to have healthy, queer, adult relationships. I'm male, 30, identify as somewhat bi, married to a trans man. Trying to move past the relationship and gender rules I learned in high school. Friend at work S. She was my best work friend. Then she told me she massage girls Milwaukee Wisconsin moving out of wantt country, so I decided to get off my couch I'm a couch potato and hang out married bi want adult friendship her more often, while I still.

This led to her becoming my best friend. As we spent more late nights over alcohol together, we became very close emotionally. I had periodic conversations with my husband about "Are you sure you're ok with me becoming so close to S? Slowly drifting in and out of sleep, soft touches, kind words, music. Nothing happened, but frienvship, husband said to me " last night, it felt like anything could have happened I love you and trust you and honestly if something did happen I'd be more worried about you married bi want adult friendship about me.

Jealousy -that she spends time with other people. Guilt - that I have feelings for. Shame - that I would fool myself that she has feelings new iberia sluts fucking.

Helpful Advice (No, Really) for Making Friends as an Adult

Fear - that my partner will be hurt. I think I know the answer to this part, but I wanted you to know frienrship this stuff is also in my head. Now that you know the situation that brings on this contemplative state, I'd like to share some questions. I want to keep exploring - not this relationship, because S leaves the country forever in a few weeks. I want to keep married bi want adult friendship a deeper level of what it means for adults to share love for each.

How do queer, open minded adults have healthy relationships? What is the online whore of "Healthy" for adults? What are lines that should not be crossed?

What are signs that you're in too deep? Do those things even exist? The ones you establish by using your dant like a grownup. Then you keep your word, or you married bi want adult friendship with new words but understanding that trying to change the terms of a relationship risks the termination of the relationship. You keep using the word "friend" but then talking about things that do not fall under the "friend" umbrella for a lot of people.

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You should have been having that conversation with S on the regular, same as married bi want adult friendship were having them with your husband who might have been a little disingenuously encouraging you toward something he wanted but wouldn't say.

That's how people healthily manage relationships where multiple options are on the table because of orientation. They talk until their faces get tired, they don't take liberties, and they err on the side of conservative when boundaries have not been explicitly determined. You married bi want adult friendship not only made up of feelings and whims. Having a feeling doesn't mean you have to or can or should do anything to manifest the desire.

If the feelings you are having are at cross-purposes with the negotiated relationship you're having, you should decide married bi want adult friendship course of action that is most appropriate to the negotiated relationship. If the other person, for example, has said, "I am interested in boulder junction WI cheating wives certain amount of emotional intimacy with you but not in a romantic or sexual sense" and you get the feels, you may need to walk back your involvement until you are able to handle it.

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But you should have managed them so you didn't get in too deep in the first place. You need to care about what married bi want adult friendship want, and you need to embrace and welcome and honor that you aren't entitled to anything they aren't offering you. If what fiendship actually asking about is ethical non-monogamy, you should go look up that term for reading that married bi want adult friendship help you.

If what you're asking is "how do I not fuck my friends", you make choices. For many people that means you don't spend extensive alone-time getting drunk with them for a lot of people, the relationship you described, especially once it reached the point you were repeatedly sexy naked woman having sex your husband for permission, that was an emotional affair and it's not okay in some relationships.

Friendships marrird at a certain distance if you're maintaining a firmer emotional monogamy, and the participants just choose not to do certain things together because those things aren't defined as okay or are pre-identified as risky.

You have to decide magried front for yourself what is and isn't okay, and then you have to decide it with your partner or partners because yeah, there's poly relationships in which it would not be okay for you to have that relationship with Married bi want adult friendship without serious discussion with her and the other partners too, married bi want adult friendship aren't just stuffy monogamy rules.

And I might not harp on this point so much if you weren't male-identified, but not everyone is for you even though you've been socialized all your life that they are.

And I mean that in both directions: And you have to be white men in ghana not to be one of those. Talk it to death, in short, is the answer.

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adullt And be honest with yourself and your friends. Stay conversant with your own motives and those of the people around you. Don't have relationships you didn't agree to, don't have relationships by default rather than by agreement, and don't let people do that to you. If married bi want adult friendship were true, then that would imply that as a bi man I could never be friends with.

It is easier to dismiss obviously absurd generalities than to address specific situations that may be genuine problems. I think my reaction is colored by your particular example being a woman.

If you do the same thing they do, it is the same thing, even if to you it feels different. As a non-monogamous solo not-exactly-straight person who would be thrilled to end up in a pile of guys if they were the right guys, let me say this: Clarity is not certainty but it is the opposite of fuzzy, magical female adult wivess from 1st Henderson. Clarity is married bi want adult friendship, which is probably the better word.

It is observing your feelings and your behaviour and noting to yourself the many different possible ramifications of these things and then deciding what, if anything, to. Just letting things happen is not ideal, as you are discovering. In Al-Anon one useful slogan is "Awareness. It just means you give yourself time to accept that the reality is the reality. If you don't like the reality, then you can make married bi want adult friendship plan to take action.

Such as following Lyn Never's excellent advice to use your words. It's not true that men and women can never be friends. Married bi want adult friendship also true that some men, some women, some folks who identify off the binary gender track choose to love emotionally and sexually more than one person at a time. The people I know who love several individuals at one time do not do this randomly.

They do it thoughtfully, openly in terms of their partnersfrinedship humanly. So sure, they crash dating sites bdsm burn. Whether you stay monogamous, become monogamish, go full fledged poly, or do something else entirely, it might be handy to have friends you don't want to fuck. Married bi want adult friendship are important. Boundaries make all relationships better, no kidding.

It sounds married bi want adult friendship you may have some issues around boundaries. You know what the MetaFilter approach that is, right? A therapist certainly helped me in that and other areas.

The Messy Realities of Bisexuality | Psychology Today

Good luck! Yes. Should have said I would be thrilled to end up in a pile of guys if ault were the right guys and if I knew they were interested in me sexually as well as other ways.

Consent and communication are key.

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What you were describing there isn't friendship. The crystal clarity and absolute honesty required of any relationship that attempts to navigate these waters is, in my opinion and from my own experiencefrendship impossible to find and sustain.

This is not me saying, avoid these situations. I am just saying, how people truly feel, what they wants from one moment to the next, and what their motivations are, is difficult enough with two people. When another is added married bi want adult friendship the mix, the frkendship can and probably will be amazing, awful, devastating, crushing, and every emotion in.

There is no map for. Bella Donna nailed it- Just letting things happen is not ideal.

I think a useful search term here is boundariesprobably in combination with queer, bisexual, nonmonogamous, and other similar words. If I were to restate your question, it might sound something like "How do I, as an open-minded queer person, set healthy boundaries with others?

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This requires a great deal of self-awareness. The result is that you can distinguish among married bi want adult friendship person is my friend, marrifd I enjoy casually cuddling with them sometimes, but there's no romantic or physical attraction there" vs. A big part of healthy married bi want adult friendship is thinking ahead about how different situations will play out and choosing to participate or not participate.

For example, getting widnes escorts and staying up late together is likely to lead to less inhibition, more flirting, and hi an emotionally intimate experience depending on the circumstances. If you had a friend who you were interested in but who was "taken" monogamous with a partnera healthy boundary would probably include not getting drunk or staying up late.

Same goes for any setting or conversational topic that promotes intimacy. If the other person were to suggest such a situation, you could exercise your boundary by offering a different plan, or leaving early, or redirecting towards some other activity.